Busted!

Well, I tried, I really tried this time. I failed. Sometimes your own insecurities come back around just when you thought you beat that battle. Really, low self esteem, you are back again...really?! Didn't I just kick your ass last week? A wise man once told me that it is NOT a failure if you learn from it. I have a lot of learning to do.

Mazel Tov

Back to blogging!

Ass Sphincter Says What?

WHAT? Damn it!

Oh do I have a traumatizing story for you, this actually just happened to me. As embarrassing as this story is, I must share it because only this could happen to me. It involves ass, no not that kind, but boy do I wish it were.

So lately, Miss Fiddlesticks hasn't been feeling well. I don't know why but I just can't seem to get healthy. About 3 weeks ago, (definitely over sharing but we are all friends here) I saw blood after going the bathroom. I was alarmed but ignored it simply because I was afraid and did not want to deal with it. Cut to a week after that, I saw blood again but this time there was a lot. I couldn't ignore it and decided it was best to go to the ER. Now here comes the fun part! So here I am sitting on a rolling cot bed in the ER with my UGG boots on, leggings ( you know you love em' JC), and I can't remember the top but I am sure it was glamorous! Across from me is a middle aged man in one of those cotton "nighties", and he was rolling around in the bed so much that I saw a Penis Puppet Show for free. Oh yes, my friend, that IS NOT even the best part of my experience there.

I must have done something in my past life in order to have Karma come back around this harshly. After getting my blood work, I had the nurse practitioner (young MALE) approach me with some horrible news -secretly I know this made his day. "Okay, Miss F, while we are waiting for your blood work to return we have to make sure that there is actual blood." Seems harmless right? WRONG!! ABORT RUN AWAY MARTHE`. "Miss F (as he grins), in order to do so I am going to have to stick this (as he bends and winks his index finger at me) up your bum to check for blood." Usually, I get a free dinner and drinks before these kinda things happen. Thank goodness he had small fingers, he had to have been Irish (sorry boys!).

BUT (No pun intended) there is MORE!

So Doogie Howser comes back with the results that there was in fact blood. G-r-reat, now what? "I am going to have the MD come in and he will stick a metal rod up your bum to make sure nothing serious is happening." SERIOUS IS HAPPENING?? What in the hell??! He makes it sound like the Keebler Elves are up my ass making rainbow chocolate chip cookies! Will I at least get popcorn and a movie while this happens?

I'm OK in the end, but a really "uncomfortable scare" :)......

Meanwhile, in other related news.....

To Prevent the Success Of

Today, I feel defeated.

Adios Barbie

http://www.colby-sawyer.edu/currents/news/EatingsDisordersCapstone.html

Uh Oh, OK well I'm going to have to get serious for a moment...I know, I know but it won't take long. That is a picture of me when I was in high school and battling my eating disorder - I weighed around 90 pounds (which wasn't the lowest weight I reached). Looking back at that picture, it's quite scary knowing that back then I thought I actually had weight TO lose. I have been doing a great deal of reflecting, and this has led to my efforts to research various volunteer opportunities with young girls. During my search I was surprised and dismayed to learn that eating disorders are continually increasing and have been documented in cases where girls are as young as 10. Our girls are not okay.

I originally started a blog over a year ago hoping to reach out to women in their teens as well as adult women still struggling with this issue. I named my blog, "Pretending to be Beautiful," because that is what so many of us do. It has taken me a long time to get to a happy place of self acceptance; and in so doing discovering one of life's little secrets (that being comfortable with who you are is a gift you can give to yourself and that in life joy can be found in so many things, things that are lost in an endless pursuit of control and perfection when it comes to your body and your looks).

Reaching 82 pounds and being the skinniest girl in my class I thought would make me so happy. It didn't; I was too busy crying over my hair falling out in clumps and it got to the point where I was afraid to take showers because of all of it slipping down the drain. In my experience I found myself crying over losing my friends because they didn't understand what I was going through, and crying over being too weak and having to take a naps right after each school day. I was simply JUST BUSY CRYING.

Many roads may lead us down the wrong path, and I have sympathy for all (and empathy for a few) but however we get back on track, and whomever we ask for help, what was important for me and what I want to impart to you is to look past our traditional ideas of beauty, of "cool", of controlling our bodies (if we can control nothing else) and to instead look to find the meaning of life and one's happiness in it, as it is our right to do. For me, happiness lies in love, laughter, family, friends, giving back, GOTCHA jokes and many glorious shampoos for ALL MY HAIR :)!

I intend to dedicate a significant part of my life (in whatever way I can) helping women find their way back to happier roads, and however one gets there, the moral of my story is that YOU CAN, YOU CAN overcome anything!

If He Looks Like a Stripper, Talks Like a Stripper and Smells Like a Stripper....

.....Then chances are, "It isn't Halloween honey; and he is a stripper!" And that is exactly what my uncle said when I told him what I am about to tell you......

Okay, so lets face it.....I can be naive. Not the kind of naive where I actually believe "he" wants to unbutton your blouse to get a better view of your heart, that's just silly, but the kind that highlights the fact that I do like to believe the good in people and take what they say as the truth. Well yadda yadda ya know, in this case it was all lies. "No whammies no whammies no whammies..STOP." And go figure, I still got a big whammy!

Before the one and only wonderful JC came into my life, Little Red Riding Hood had a Big Bad Wolf in her fairytale. So let's make this quick because it is so damn embarrassing. I was reunited with a "guy friend" from many years ago, thanks to Facebook. We were in the beginning stages of becoming re-acquainted; we had about ten years worth of catching up to do and he wanted to send pictures of himself (harmless enough right?) and of course I was curious, if nothing else, to see what he looked like. Soooo, when I hit the INBOX in my gmail, WOW, if only you could have seen my face. He sent me...ready for this...not one, but two (as if one picture wasn't enough) rather interesting pictures of himself (and I am not kidding about this next part, oh I can't believe I am even going to share this) in a GOLD SPARKLED man thong (those things should be illegal by the way unless ..well there is no unless..especially the ones with the elephant trunk; and DON'T act like you do not know what I am talking about)! But it gets better. Picture this, and if you already haven't thrown up in your mouth a little, his gold sparkled thong was accompanied by a choker. I mean - 1.) what goes through your head picking out that outfit, and 2.) is that actually your lead in to a gal you haven't seen for 10 years? Is he thinking somehow that "Oh, this choker will go with my Bedazzle sparkle man thong!" Good luck buddy! The last and only time I saw an outfit like that was in "Priscilla Queen of the Desert."

He never actually mentioned that he was a stripper, but outside of the mini champagne grape smuggler there were a few other clues as I recall. He has shaved down so that he has less hair than Mr Bigglesworth in "Austin Powers," and he would prance around presumably "practicing" with a fake badge and saying outlandish things like "Freeze! You are under arrest!". On second thought perhaps I SHOULD have seen the signs, I was always wondering why he would pelvic thrust at random objects, like chairs, when he was walking around in his room. I always just thought he was trying to stretch his legs to get some fresh air down there. Silly me!

It certainly was not Halloween.

Getting Inked

It is that time again (insert funny joke here), to get INKED! I am thinking about my next tattoo which I want to get by August. I was going to either go with, "Suivre Votre Coeur," (French) means follow your heart or the tattoo you see above. The one above in Latin translates to; flies with own wings, and I am getting there Ladies and Gentlemen. This is a very important tattoo, why?! Well, because it is my second to last one. I am hoping I will somehow convince Mr Conversative (AKA JC) to get inked with me...that, my friends, is very wishful thinking.

I know, I know.......the tough decisions I have to make.

It is a DUKE thing

Time Out: I know I KNOW - This picture is going to bother JC, why? Because I didn't lay the sweatshirt out flat and there are wrinkles :).

Now when you read DUKE, please make sure to make the "G*D opening the gates to heaven " noise. I tell him all the time that when I wear this sweatshirt out, people move out of the way when I walk down the street.

Okay lets continue.....

This one is for the ladies, sorry boys. You know you have something good when your boyfriend enjoys you the most dressed in his, say it with me everyone, DUKE (Gates of Heaven Noise) sweatshirt, with Old Navy flower power pj pants (compliments of Nana) and green Pumas. Now girls, that is the type of man you want to have...not the kind that wants you looking like you just left a 50 Cent video. Crotchless panties are definitely a "no no" and forget about going commando, we all remember the Brittany Spears little slip...or should I say BIG slip (MIND THE GAP), that will forever scar me. It is about inner beauty and finding someone that sees it. That is todays lesson girlies.

Never Let an Alcoholic Homeless Man Draw You a Picture ..

...because you will come out losing $20 for a picture of you looking like Mickey Rourke ( after the plastic surgery). This is the picture he drew of my friend and I.

It always makes me laugh. I don't think I could make that awkward, ugly face again. Of course, that is unless I went into a WalMart in the middle of nowhere, Maine.

What Goes Up....Must Come Down

...which explains why boobs go south (I know fellas, we hate it too)....but that is not where I am going...that is WAY to aggressive for 10:05 a.m. A small side rant before I get to my main point here. I just looked at the picture I posted of me in the Yankees hat (see below) and realized my face looks like a pumpkin on a stick. Apparently, Marthe` needs to scale back on the face tanner!! Jiminy! My body looks as pale as Nicole Kidman's bum and my face as orange as Donald Trump! Note to self: Step away from the self tanner! Next you'll find me coloring in my freckles with a brown make-up pencil. HELLO RAGGEDY ANNE! So, let's just pretend that picture was a result of me playing around with Photoshop and that the Jack-O-Lantern you see really isn't me - because in person it's not that obvious.....well, I hope....

I am finally in a great place in my life! It has taken me two years to get here, 3 trips back and forth to NYC, 2 trips to Miami, a Lexus I can't afford, and meeting all the wrong people at the wrong times. However, because of that I can appreciate what I have now, and the serendipity of meeting JC, who came into my life when I least expected it. How could I resist someone that sings, "Good Morning GOOOOOOD MOOORNING," at 5:45 a.m and gets away with it.... I couldn't - and hate everything before 9AM. Move over Cinderella, because I am about to start my fairytale....ha ha, okay I have always wanted to say that!!! I will have some wine with that cheese.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side, well my grass...(and wouldn't you like to know) - umm, no, not that grass but nice try.....my grass is most definitely green and there is no other place I want to be right now. Of course, I wish I had more money, shoes, sephora products and manicures that don't chip two minutes after leaving the salon but hell, I'm happy....even giddy you might say! Jealous, you should be....well maybe not of the orange thing I have going on over here.

Moral of the story is: Kiddies, if you're down ...and you hang in there, eventually things will go up and you'll notice you are finally ON the other side, where the grass is well, GREEN, I Promise.

True Love- Going Behind Enemy Lines

You Cant Win Them All

Like me in this picture - last night I had a moment. Do you ever just have those, where you completely break down for no reason? One minute you are watching the Celtics lose, drinking a Amstel Lite and playing Backgammon (getting your ass kicked), and then in a split second your weeping like the time you saw Titanic for the first time and Rose has to let go of Jack's hand.

Why does this happen, I can't be the only one.....right?

All spontaneous weeping aside, how funny is this picture?! I remember that towel too.....it makes me smile. I was having a bad time at the beach, like I always did at that age, apparently I hated sand and water. And I would sit there on a towel, wearing my sweatband like I was in a bad 80s music video (thx mom!!!). Ohhh you just have to laugh :).....

Willy Wonka Would Even Be Jealous

This was hilarious and it just happened so I have to tell you. I'm sitting in the IMAX theatre on 68th and Broadway waiting to see Star Trek...not by choice I'll have you know (Right JC?). Between you and I ...secretly I enjoyed it but that's not where I am going with this. So the movie starts in about 20 minutes and next to me is what appears to be a couple. I would say they are on their 2nd or 3rd date, still in the awkward I don't know what to talk about stage. Obviously, I was eavesdropping and I see that she is just finishing up a sandwich. She says to him "Thank you for the sandwich, what do I owe you?" He replies, "Don't worry it was cheap enough." TIME OUT: A.... who says that??? and B..... don't ever say that! A simple "it was my pleasure to get it for you" would have sufficed. Anyway, she hands him a five dollar bill and HE ACTUALLY TAKES IT!! Oh kids, we aren't even getting to the best part yet. Now this couple has my full attention and I'm not even pretending that I'm not eavesdropping at this point (guess I was just dropping). I'm surprised the guy didn't feel me leaning on him trying to get the whole conversation. And this is the part where I was just dying laughing inside. He was noticeably excited to tell her he brought some candy in his Jansport backpack, which I thought was a "no no" once you graduated 8th grade, right (especially in your 30s - its called JACK SPADE). I can tell this guy is easily excitable, his hands were shaking with thrill reaching into that bag... I can only imagine when you get him to....noooooooooo I won't go there but I just did, didn't I?!

He starts rattling off, and faster than hyper active Texan at a live auction, all the different types of candy he's packin'. "I have white chocolate, dark chocolate, milk chocolate, Twizzlers, Tootsie Rolls, Bazooka Jim gum, Slim Jims(not candy), Werthers, Twixx bars, and "these mints I grabbed at the front of the Chinese restaurant from last night...oh, and of course Candy Corn, its amazing they have lasted since Halloween."

SIDENOTE: It was as if he pulled the Mary Poppins bag move - but with candy... I swear to you Willy Wonka would have been jealous! I mean some of the candy he was naming I think stopped being made years ago..........Did I just hear Fun Dip and Crunchy M & Ms in that list? A man with that much candy is a Creeper McCreeperson looking for a playground! All I was waiting for was the white van outside and the sight of him luring all the neighborhood kids to the door.

So five minutes and 30 candy types later, she says in a very disappointed tone, " Wait, you don't have any junior mints in there?" First of all honey, we all know you ain't just snacking on junior mints - lets be honest. And in a defeated voice he replies, "No, I don't, I'm sorry but I didn't even think you liked that." "Oh, ummm yeah, it's okay I just was really craving those mints" was her majestic reply. A CLASSIC MOMENT - stay away from match.com people!!

All because of " I LOVE NEW YORK"

Just so we are all on the same page, some of my entries are going to switch from "old" New York experiences to things going on in my life now. I have to look back at some of the experiences I had, or things I did, to get by this time in New York City ........JC cover your eyes.

So, this is a story about an occasion where you want something bad enough and refuse to give up.... eventually you will "get your man" so to speak. Now, I don't know if you know this about me but I love reality TV. I don't mean "good" reality TV such as Survivor or Amazing Race, I mean bad reality TV. For example; Blind Date, Cheaters and I Love New York - yes THAT TV. I was living in my West Village studio (showing off a little bit right there) but the amazing part was at the time I couldn't afford any furniture. I had an air mattress that my friend gave me. The box it came from was designed like it was straight out of the 80s. It was more like a pool float than an air mattress and in the middle of the night it always deflated. Lovely. However, I did have cable, internet service and a old fashioned house phone. Why I thought I needed a house phone in NYC still to this day boggles my mind! Now about the cable, as I mentioned I had it but I failed to tell you I had no television ...makes perfect sense right? At the time in Marthe's world it most certainly did! I thought I could afford a TV but I was wrong - apparently you can't live off 23,000 salary in New York. Who knew (shrug)? But I digress.

I was coming down the flight of stairs when I see that my neighbor on the floor below me had their 1982 Sony TV in front of their door, practically orphaned. It looked like it was one of the first TVs made, Chr*st it was almost surely black and white. I thought to myself that maybe, just maybe luck will go my way and they will leave that antique outside for someone (meaning me) to take. So for about 4 days that TV sat there taunting me every time we met on the stairs. Eventually the TV went missing and at this point I never thought I would see the "I Love NY," season premiere.

G*d...Brahma...Budda...Scientology's L. Ron Hubbard.....the god of Prada shoes and all things fashionable or whatever you believe in, someone or something was on my side that day. I made my way down to the cockroach infested basement to throw away my trash. There it was, the most gorgeous sight these green eyes have ever seen, the Sony TV, the very one I thought got away. Now mind you I had to carry this 80lb awkward box up five....that's right five flights of stairs. And remember the "I Love NY" premiere was that very evening. This may have been the most difficult task I have ever had ( I don't count the dare for me not to wear high heels for a week). The most disturbing part was all the dead cockroaches surrounding it. I mean celebrities find themselves in this type of scenario all the time, right?

But with beads of sweat sliding down my arm like a underweight kid on the Geronimo ride at Water Country, I made it up those five flights and "loved" (wink wink) New York. YAHTZEE!!!

The East Village is for Hippies

So here is my advice to you: "Never, and I repeat NEVER, rent an apartment (sight unseen) from my good friend Craigslist. Why you ask? Because I did and cut to 2 months later and I'm doing the army crawl across my apartment floor dragging my legs behind me like a dog in one of those pet wheelchairs (yes, hold on to that visual everyone). Apparently, unsanctioned sublets in Manhattan invite unsanctioned hall monitors that peep through their peepholes, complain, and threaten to report any suspicious activity (to whom we'll never know) - Ahem......in this case by "suspicious activity" I mean actually walking to your apartment with shoes on after 6pm. And, incidentally, by "apartment" Craig meant to say "shared room with a crazy 42 year old who cannot seem to remember when to pay the cable bill.......uhg!

So picture this, there I am in sweltering 90 degree weather in Miami, laying by the pool. Great visual... I know. Anyway, moving on, not a care in the world save my Redbull (sugar free of course) lasting me through the entire tanning session. Now of course this sounds glamorous...and to everyone I made sure to maintain the "front". But between you and I (and now everyone on the www) I was flat out miserable...all my friends were back in NYC hanging out in the Meatpacking District and having drinks on rooftop bars. I've lived in NYC twice before; perhaps "live" is a tad strong as I was barely getting by; but I refuse to let this city beat me. And I missed the vibe...the hustle...and the bustle of Time Square, Union Square and all the other "squares"; and of course I miss the smell of street meat! Okay, maybe I'm getting carried away with the street meat smell thing, sorry. The point is, I missed NYC and the opportunities it holds......not to worry where this is going because I won't get all Hootie and Blowfish/"Hold My Hand" on you; but it was time....time to return.

I had my nonprescription glasses on, and was scrutinizing every roommate want ad on Craigslist. Look at this one here, the guy wants a roommate to walk around topless, curious.....and rent is apparently free. He isn't a pervert though...riiiight. Oh this one looks good, 3 bedroom, completely furnished - live with 2 French men...well, hell, at least I will pick up my French again. I was almost ready to give it a green light until I found out it was across from the "projects"....next! Oh this one is perfect: 2 bedroom in the east village, has charm and is furnished and this time there is a female roommate (Jackpot!). Due to a few rather odd circumstances (for a later post) I couldn't have someone look at it first, A BIG MISTAKE! When that happens, ABORT, ABORT mission immediately! Turns out it wasn't a "real" two bedroom (shocker!), the size of sink was made for Ompa Lumpas, the shower, when first turned on, gives you "water" that slowly leaks out, is brown, and kinda smells funny. And, my one closet has my roommate's clothes in it. There goes my fantasy of Carrie Bradshaw and her Sex in the City movie moment where Big presents her the closet of her dreams. Looks like my suitcases will be my closet for now...classy, very classy! I told you my life was all glamour! My neighbors below me apparently had/have no life and if a mouse farted they would bang on my wall to quiet the noise (see my escapades crawling, above). And if I did get in without setting off the creeper alarm, and if I was home late from a night out on the town and even walked in my apartment whilst wearing any type of shoe at all (though to be fair I only own heels - hehe), it was BANG BANG BANG!!!!...like clockwork. Army crawling across the floor in stilettos, black leggings and a Chanel jacket is not pretty, ladies - Not Pretty! But I made it back..........

Fidler is back!

So it is back to good ol' blogging! There's so much to catch up on, where do I begin? Well, I moved back to NYC for the 3rd time. The 3rd time is the charm, right? Anyway, as I said there's lots to review and rest assured I will make Gossip Girl seem dull compared to what I have been through the past 2 months...intrigued are you? Well, you should be...