So here is my advice to you: "Never, and I repeat NEVER, rent an apartment (sight unseen) from my good friend Craigslist. Why you ask? Because I did and cut to 2 months later and I'm doing the army crawl across my apartment floor dragging my legs behind me like a dog in one of those pet wheelchairs (yes, hold on to that visual everyone). Apparently, unsanctioned sublets in Manhattan invite unsanctioned hall monitors that peep through their peepholes, complain, and threaten to report any suspicious activity (to whom we'll never know) - Ahem......in this case by "suspicious activity" I mean actually walking to your apartment with shoes on after 6pm. And, incidentally, by "apartment" Craig meant to say "shared room with a crazy 42 year old who cannot seem to remember when to pay the cable bill.......uhg!
So picture this, there I am in sweltering 90 degree weather in Miami, laying by the pool. Great visual... I know. Anyway, moving on, not a care in the world save my Redbull (sugar free of course) lasting me through the entire tanning session. Now of course this sounds glamorous...and to everyone I made sure to maintain the "front". But between you and I (and now everyone on the www) I was flat out miserable...all my friends were back in NYC hanging out in the Meatpacking District and having drinks on rooftop bars. I've lived in NYC twice before; perhaps "live" is a tad strong as I was barely getting by; but I refuse to let this city beat me. And I missed the vibe...the hustle...and the bustle of Time Square, Union Square and all the other "squares"; and of course I miss the smell of street meat! Okay, maybe I'm getting carried away with the street meat smell thing, sorry. The point is, I missed NYC and the opportunities it holds......not to worry where this is going because I won't get all Hootie and Blowfish/"Hold My Hand" on you; but it was time....time to return.
I had my nonprescription glasses on, and was scrutinizing every roommate want ad on Craigslist. Look at this one here, the guy wants a roommate to walk around topless, curious.....and rent is apparently free. He isn't a pervert though...riiiight. Oh this one looks good, 3 bedroom, completely furnished - live with 2 French men...well, hell, at least I will pick up my French again. I was almost ready to give it a green light until I found out it was across from the "projects"....next! Oh this one is perfect: 2 bedroom in the east village, has charm and is furnished and this time there is a female roommate (Jackpot!). Due to a few rather odd circumstances (for a later post) I couldn't have someone look at it first, A BIG MISTAKE! When that happens, ABORT, ABORT mission immediately! Turns out it wasn't a "real" two bedroom (shocker!), the size of sink was made for Ompa Lumpas, the shower, when first turned on, gives you "water" that slowly leaks out, is brown, and kinda smells funny. And, my one closet has my roommate's clothes in it. There goes my fantasy of Carrie Bradshaw and her Sex in the City movie moment where Big presents her the closet of her dreams. Looks like my suitcases will be my closet for now...classy, very classy! I told you my life was all glamour! My neighbors below me apparently had/have no life and if a mouse farted they would bang on my wall to quiet the noise (see my escapades crawling, above). And if I did get in without setting off the creeper alarm, and if I was home late from a night out on the town and even walked in my apartment whilst wearing any type of shoe at all (though to be fair I only own heels - hehe), it was BANG BANG BANG!!!!...like clockwork. Army crawling across the floor in stilettos, black leggings and a Chanel jacket is not pretty, ladies - Not Pretty! But I made it back..........
So picture this, there I am in sweltering 90 degree weather in Miami, laying by the pool. Great visual... I know. Anyway, moving on, not a care in the world save my Redbull (sugar free of course) lasting me through the entire tanning session. Now of course this sounds glamorous...and to everyone I made sure to maintain the "front". But between you and I (and now everyone on the www) I was flat out miserable...all my friends were back in NYC hanging out in the Meatpacking District and having drinks on rooftop bars. I've lived in NYC twice before; perhaps "live" is a tad strong as I was barely getting by; but I refuse to let this city beat me. And I missed the vibe...the hustle...and the bustle of Time Square, Union Square and all the other "squares"; and of course I miss the smell of street meat! Okay, maybe I'm getting carried away with the street meat smell thing, sorry. The point is, I missed NYC and the opportunities it holds......not to worry where this is going because I won't get all Hootie and Blowfish/"Hold My Hand" on you; but it was time....time to return.
I had my nonprescription glasses on, and was scrutinizing every roommate want ad on Craigslist. Look at this one here, the guy wants a roommate to walk around topless, curious.....and rent is apparently free. He isn't a pervert though...riiiight. Oh this one looks good, 3 bedroom, completely furnished - live with 2 French men...well, hell, at least I will pick up my French again. I was almost ready to give it a green light until I found out it was across from the "projects"....next! Oh this one is perfect: 2 bedroom in the east village, has charm and is furnished and this time there is a female roommate (Jackpot!). Due to a few rather odd circumstances (for a later post) I couldn't have someone look at it first, A BIG MISTAKE! When that happens, ABORT, ABORT mission immediately! Turns out it wasn't a "real" two bedroom (shocker!), the size of sink was made for Ompa Lumpas, the shower, when first turned on, gives you "water" that slowly leaks out, is brown, and kinda smells funny. And, my one closet has my roommate's clothes in it. There goes my fantasy of Carrie Bradshaw and her Sex in the City movie moment where Big presents her the closet of her dreams. Looks like my suitcases will be my closet for now...classy, very classy! I told you my life was all glamour! My neighbors below me apparently had/have no life and if a mouse farted they would bang on my wall to quiet the noise (see my escapades crawling, above). And if I did get in without setting off the creeper alarm, and if I was home late from a night out on the town and even walked in my apartment whilst wearing any type of shoe at all (though to be fair I only own heels - hehe), it was BANG BANG BANG!!!!...like clockwork. Army crawling across the floor in stilettos, black leggings and a Chanel jacket is not pretty, ladies - Not Pretty! But I made it back..........
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